Borderline Personality Disorder: The Leprosy Of Psychiatric Diagnoses
Dealing With Mental Health Challenges in Mormonville, Utah
After many, many years of struggling with anxiety, depression, impulsive behavior, violence, a total inability to form personal relationships, a massively distorted self-image, frustrated attempts at therapy over many years, and insane ineffective medication regimes, I was diagnosed with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder in 2003. Before and following this diagnosis, I was an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, more commonly known as the Mormons. So what is it like to have any mental health issues in Mormonville?
First, let me state that this short article is not in any way meant to be a professional medical piece. It is a personal article about a unique challenge set in a place and a religious society that saw any mental health issues you may have as 'Satanic' at that time. If you had any problems, you were a sinner, lacked faith, and needed to read the Book of Mormon more!
Few people ever made public any mental health illnesses knowing isolation and exile would be their ‘reward.’ As a man, if you wished to continue serving within the Mormon church, you would never reveal the serious illness you were going through. And, of course, as someone holding the Holy Priesthood, you had the power to deal with Satan yourself, you are taught. No outsiders are needed, you are told. Or so you believe until it's too late.
The psychiatry bible, the DSM V, requires a patient to exhibit at least five out of the following nine criteria to determine BPD:
1 — an unstable sense of self, [yes]
2 — volatile relationships, [yes]
3 — an intense fear of abandonment, [yes]
4 — impulsive behavior, [yes]
5 — unstable moods, [yes]
6 — suicidality, [yes]
7 — chronic feelings of emptiness, [yes]
8 — excessive anger, [yes]
9 — disassociation. [no]
Progressing from childhood to adulthood, the numbers rose to a final diagnosis of 8 from 9 in my early 40s. Even then, it took another 15 years and more to escape what some have called an incurable disease. Not so, by the way. The road was long and hard. Five years of intense therapy and a myriad of guinea pig medications until the right one worked. Plus, at least in my case, escape from the cult-like regime of Mormonism. Freedom and a non-judgemental environment eventually led to peace and love. And, finally, an ability to love and trust others as I loved and trusted myself. Thankfully I no longer meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder.
When I finally knew what my illness was, I tried earnestly to obtain help in and out of the Mormon church to no avail. I was met with a complete lack of resources for men in Utah. There was nothing on offer in the Mormon church, social services (Mormon or otherwise), or charitable organizations (Mormon or otherwise). When I screamed loud enough, I was told, "there are not enough men who accept the BPD diagnosis and are willing to change." The few resources were offered to women because many more women needed that help. I was told by a Mormon leader, "BPD is a hysterical illness, a woman's illness."
So what did the Mormon church offer me? A trip to a Mormon counselor who interpreted everything I said and did as examples of a sexually deviant mind. I never went back. And because I would not play ball, so to speak, any other assistance, such as food, clothing, and shelter, was also withdrawn. Homelessness was the result. The last piece of the jigsaw was now in place. I had lost my wife, my children, my home, my job, my health, and my sanity. Suicide was next. Not the best road to recovery from mental illness. The journey back is another story for another day. But I did ask for help on other occasions as a last resort because of freezing temperatures, snow, hunger, etc., and the result was always the same. The Mormon church was not interested. The Mormon church was interested in my tithing for 20 years and all my spare time serving in multiple local and regional callings. I was taught that Jesus was about saving the sinner and those in need. I was both. The Mormon Jesus wasn’t the same as the Christian Jesus I was taught about.
Borderline Personality Disorder in men is an authentic mental illness. BPD is not the usual depiction of deviance, a character flaw, or even a life sentence anymore. In saying that, in all honesty, it can have tragic effects on the individual and especially their loved ones. Living on eggshells and with the constant threat of violence is not something anyone should endure. Certainly not those you are supposed to love.
Many with BDP lose everything because of their behaviors and unstable emotions. But it can also be the start of the long road to recovery. Just don't rely on any help from the Mormon church. If you wait for their help, you'll wait for a long time.
© Stephen G. Arrowsmith 2023
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