Depression is a Disease Trying to Kill You!
Anxiety and Depression are not always obvious
Sometimes the bright days of life turn blue. That's okay, that's normal. The challenge is when the blue days start to turn grey. Why so? Because grey often turns to black. Take it from me; that's not a road anyone needs to travel. However, some of us always have to be aware that anxiety can, if given half a chance, turn into depression, no matter how well life is going.
My mind is my own, although that may not be the case every few months. Thankfully for me, my heart is shared, and a saving grace it is. You know those mornings when you struggle to get up and around? And you force yourself to throw the covers back and dress, throw water on your face, and go downstairs; then, nothing seems to function as it should. It almost seems like you're drunk, foggy mind, and confused. The television may be on, but you're not hearing. For an hour, you sit almost curled up on the sofa, close to tears. You pace up and down the living room for the next hour, constantly feeling ill-placed uncomfortable sickly energy.
The concerning aspect of the above is that your logical mind tells you all is well during this process. Just breathe in and out, slowly, you tell yourself. Did I take my meds? Yes, I did. Then suddenly, your mind becomes illogical and stodgy, not unlike quicksand. Slow sinking feelings that seem inescapable. You look in the mirror and see another person. The smiley, happy face has gone; you see a pale, sad face that looks tired and worn out. Why do I sometimes keep these feelings to myself? Because most of the time, I can't explain or even understand them. If you've dealt with this disease for many years, you understand logically that most of the time, you will recover, often very soon. However, you also have the experience to understand what could be considered Russian roulette. The analogy is five empty chambers and one full chamber. In other words, although you may never experience the dark abyss again, which is pure black depression, it is always a constant worry.
For those who have dropped into the dark abyss, probably hospitalized, and at the least experienced years of illness, appropriate treatments, medicines, and self-awareness allow a much more consistently happy life. In my case, deeply loving another led to destructive forces from the past being replaced with trust, hope, and caring. And mainly a love I've never encountered before. Nevertheless, we always remember that depression is a disease, and like most diseases, its purpose is to do you harm.
So, for many of us, you don't see external examples of skin cutting or taking too many pills, but instead, it's drinking too much coffee when you know it gives you panic attacks. Perhaps too much thinking and not enough sleeping is part of the problem. It avoids eye contact with your reflection in the mirror as you pass. Maybe it's not wearing sufficient clothing when it's cold outside. Arguing with yourself about your worthiness is not always explicit. It's masked chiefly as little things, so never assume all is well because someone shows no signs of distress.
How can I help? I helped myself today by writing this short article. How can you help? Take the time to care for and love someone. Is it that easy? of course not; however, it's a beautiful place to start. Loving yourself and loving someone else will change you, but it will also change the world around you.
© Stephen G. Arrowsmith 2022
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