How To De-Convert: Moving Away From Mormonism
Leaving The Mormon Church Isn't As Easy As You'd Think
Few 'religions' in the world demand so much of your time. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, more commonly known as the Mormons, expects so much from a person. They make those demands as a demonstration of your loyalty and faith. It was like having two full-time jobs, one paid and one unpaid, over 80 hours a week at least. But, of course, the lay priesthood was seen as much more important and the money earned from your employment and the time 'freely' given were just your start on the long ladder into Heaven. Many more demands were made, and as typical with the Mormon church, those demands are always Disneyfied, so the excessive force used was made to look soft and fluffy. It often didn't feel soft and fluffy, though. Of course, your Mormon church leaders always pointed out any negative feelings by an individual as their own fault. The usual rebuke was you need to work on your faith. You need to give up your time and means more etc. Even so, you become slowly and surely completely entangled within this cult that portrays itself as a religious 'Christian' church.
And so, after many years of only seeing life one way, it becomes challenging to think differently and move away from the control the Mormons have over your life. It's even worse if your livelihood is tied to the church. Working full-time for the Mormon church means you have little to no control over your life if you decide even to dare to think differently. If you walk away, you have no job. The pressure to continually attend the Mormon Temple, pay 10% tithing and even more financial donations, and spend less time with your family as your time and energy disappear. For female members, the pressure is multiplied as they gracefully give all they have to the church and its members. There is a reason why the largest group of people in Utah county with prescription drug addictions are the Relief Society sisters. If you live there, it's no big secret.
As pointed out by blogger Rick Heroff from The Eden Project, here is a list of recommendations that I also went through during and am still going through during my de-conversion or faith transition. I take great pleasure in sharing that I made it to the other side much happier and finally experiencing a peace I never knew.
1 — Give Yourself Space: Be kind to yourself, and find room to breathe, suggests Rick. He is right. In any part of your life, when you experience break-ups at work or in your family, it's tough. As mentioned, you will hear from your church leaders at every level and within your family and group of friends and neighbors to read and study the scriptures as all answers are found within them. Not so, by the way, only the answers the church wants you to read. More praying will increase your faith also doesn't work because it's not a problem with your faith. They tell you that, so the guilt falls on you, not them. As the whole premise of the Mormon church is a hoax, no amount of work on your part will ever honestly tell you the truth. Taking their money and keeping them busy for the ONLY 'true' church on the earth is always a sign that you've been well and truly taken for a ride. And so, Be kind to yourself, and find room to breathe!
2 —Educate Yourself: As a professional researcher, you would have thought I might have spent more time examining both the biases of pro-Mormons and anti-Mormons. Not so, as I had been taught over 35 years to dismiss all things that may affect my testimony. As with most things Americans, it's either you are with us or against us. It's been super that way since 9/11. Politics and religions especially. So it is with the Mormon church. Any disagreement with church policy and teachings must be from Satan. His evil plan is to destroy us after all. By the way, I don't want to spoil your day, but Satan, like God, Jesus, and all the others in this ancient mythology, is bull-crap. I know it's great to have a bad guy to frighten your followers with, but the truth is he is just the big bad wolf in the Red Riding story.
Mormons are continually urged to learn and become educated; however, there is a limit to the learning you can do as far as the church is concerned. Add this ‘restriction’ along with what Rick calls the “shame culture” of Mormonism, and you will understand why not all education is deemed beneficial to a faithful Mormon. For example, Rick suggests “educating yourself about sex, about homosexuality, racism, all the stuff you may have kept at arm's length because of lack of exposure, [the] shame culture, or intentionally avoiding.”
Take time to re-educate yourself; I have plenty of suggestions if you would like them, but otherwise, have fun and study life for yourself, not as dictated by 90-year-old white men who see themselves as Prophets of God.
3 — Take Time To Grieve And/Or Be Angry: I couldn’t say it better than Rick, “It’s okay to be angry. When most people have a faith crisis, they are filled with feelings of betrayal and anger. It can be disturbing to come to realize the things you have missed over several years or decades. Many have described their faith crisis as an awakening.” Edited for readability but best said by Rick; “others say it's embarrassing because they feel they’ve been deceived by not having intentionally shared the whole truth of the church with them. All of these emotions are natural and should be respected by you and those close to you.” Again be kind to yourself. Hoaxes and scams are the same worldwide; they prey upon others and do so in such a way that it's easy to fall for what seems like a great deal but isn’t. The snakeskin oil salesman has been around a long time and sadly will continue to be.
4 — Get Comfortable With Ambiguity: Along with the Mormon Plan of Happiness and the idea that there is only one true church on the earth and one way to Heaven, the church teaches that the church, the prophets, or God himself, has the answers to all things. And so, the only books on your bookshelves, for example, are those deemed righteous by the church. President N. Eldon Tanner, First Counselor in the First Presidency, confirms this thinking when he said in August 1979, “Whose side are we on? When the prophet speaks, the debate is over.”
It is human nature to want answers to all things, even the unexplainable; that's how religions start in the first place. Humans are not comfortable not having answers, so they invent them. See conspiracy theories today. It’s more than okay not to have every answer you want. Get comfortable with ambiguity. I agree with Rick, “when your systems of belief start to crumble and deconstruct; you need to essentially start over with defining meaning in your life. I personally have found it comforting to take solace in the lack of clarity. I take comfort in the fact that I don’t need to be able to explain everything to find meaning in my life.” This has brought me more peace and happiness than ever before. I continue to study and learn what others have to share. I’m free to do so and retain what I have learned if I wish.
5 — Embrace The Positives From Your Experience: Rick and I agree that some of what we experienced is worth keeping. For example, the Mormon 13th Article of faith states, “We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that . . . We believe all things; we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things.” There are others, too, such as the family is so important, although this, like many Mormon teachings, is not specifically Mormon. Most are common sense teachings and beliefs that most reasonable people practice. I like Rick's view, “It’s okay to adopt ideas from Mormonism, even if you disagree with the system as a whole.” Those ideas may change and morph over time as we learn and experience life more readily.
6 — All Things In Moderation: I consider this advice from Rick so important in de-conversion, “There is wisdom in moderation and having boundaries . . . Giving yourself time and learning your new boundaries is important.” Having studied numerous Mormon/Ex-Mormon groups for a while now, it seems that many people, upon moving away from the Mormon church, can swing like a pendulum to the other extreme. Having felt constricted and restricted for so long, some decide that excess is the answer or just a fuck you to the church. Allowing others or a church to dictate your behavior is not good for you. Even as a response, you are still giving your control to others. Take time, at least for a while. I did find it odd to drink coffee again after a 35-year break. I found it even stranger to drink my rum and coke after a long time. I found removing my ‘garments’ and wearing regular underwear very difficult. I found it challenging for many years to develop healthy relationships. It’s all possible, but it can take a while for some. That's okay. My advice, for what it's worth, is don’t move so fast you may hurt yourself mentally, emotionally, or physically.
7 — Stand For Change: Absolutely, not just in the damaging stances taken by the church but also the support you can give to others that previously you were highly encouraged to ignore as many seemed to be opposition to church teachings. Again, Rick says it best (edited),
“Being in the church, there is a lot of social pressure and doctrinal pressure to stay out of the way of social justice movements. Black Lives Matter, for instance, has been a tricky movement for Mormons to get behind [because] of the conservative political leanings of Mormon culture. LGBTQIA+ issues remain taboo and uncomfortable for Latter Day Saints to fully embrace because of contradictions to The Family: A Proclamation to the World. When you cross into the world of Post-Mormonism, support what you want! If you’re passionate about it, get involved! Make some noise! There is so much to do and so many that need advocating. When you find what you are truly passionate about and do not need to let the confines of the church dictate your opinions, it can be liberating. Enjoy it, and find something to stand for.”
Great advice from Rick. Many Mormons are used to having time and energy previously used by the church; maybe you could use some of it now to better our world.
8 — Let Go Of Shame And Guilt: Because of the super high expectations of the Mormon church, shame and guilt are an integral part of a member's life, even if they don’t realize it. As a result, many members stay as part of the church due to fear, not faith. For example, I want to be with my family for time and all eternity, and if I leave, I will never see them again.
Also, for example, those members that have ‘broken’ the law of chastity while active sometimes have negative experiences that lead to a very unhealthy relationship with sex, thus affecting their lives for many years.
“Being able to step away and let go of the tenets that bound you to a way of life is both freeing and necessary. If you want to rediscover who you are, you need to let go of the sickness that kept you from progressing as a human.” Well said, Rick!
9 — Find Your Happy Place: The church does not have a monopoly on happiness.
Especially your happiness. You are halfway there if you can find a way through the idea that you will never be happy without the Mormon church. You have no idea what you have missed until you have an opportunity to discover it. Whatever it may be to you, we are all different.
For me, I traveled. I wrote. I read. I spent time with my family, at least the ones that cared. I spent long hours re-examining myself. I got healthy both physically and mentally. I listened to music of all kinds. I watched movies. I went to the theater. I went to concerts. What you can do is fantastic if you have time and money. Rick also speaks for me:
“ I found that when I let go of the church, I was able to focus on the things that truly mattered to me. I found a lot of joy in taking my wife on a date on a Sunday night without feeling guilty about it. Allowing myself the freedom to set my own boundaries has allowed me to appreciate the finer things in life and focus on what truly matters to me. AND I didn’t have to become an alcoholic, sex-crazed, amoral human being to do it. Happiness is relative, and we humans define meaning in our own ways. I won’t tell you that leaving the church will make you happier because it’s all about what you value in life and how you choose to find joy.”
10 —You Don’t Have To “leave the church alone”: Like many others, I have had many comments asking why I don’t leave the church alone. I find that question amusing coming from people that believe it is their duty to inform people worldwide about the Mormon church and the Book of Mormon. And yet they are offended by members and ex-members who wish to do likewise, educate the world what a vast horrendous hoax the scam of Mormonism is. I would think if the Mormon church beliefs were so strong, it wouldn't matter who said what about the fakery of Mormonism.
Again Rick points out:
“Many people that leave the church are leaving behind decades of dedicated service and worship. As we seek to redefine ourselves, we are reconciling many deep-seated beliefs and covenants with what we still have faith in and what we don’t. It takes time to deconstruct. Once you’ve made that decision to leave, people may ask you, “Why not just leave the church alone?” or “Move on!” When you’ve spent so much time in a faith as involved as the LDS church, it’s very difficult to just flip a switch. Also, just as you were dedicated to missionary work as a member, you may feel an obligation to share what new information you have found. After all, it’s quite likely you still have hundreds of friends/family or acquaintances you care about that are still active members. It may not be possible for you to disconnect because of the connections you still have to the church. In any case, you do you, don’t let others’ opinions dictate your activity rate.”
© Stephen G. Arrowsmith 2022
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