Ol’ Porter Rockwell is Back
Episode 2: More gossip and revelations
Here we go again, although I have to say some of you folks taking time out of your lives to criticize my goddamn swearing made me giggle to myself just a little. After all, I ain’t no Golden Kimball with all his hells and damns. And I guess I should apologize to those of you who found it hard to follow me on account of my writing. God damn, I didn’t even learn to read and write proper like until Wilford Woodruff’s never-ending sarcastic comments about how good he was at damn journal keeping and his so-called eloquence (read that word in a dictionary).
Conference April 2022
I got a few things I’d like to share with you all this week. Let me first say just how fetchin’ boring Conference was. There used to be a time in my early days when Conference meant yelling from the Tabernacle pulpit. You could say what you wanted, and there were no newsmen except an occasional NYC reporter or two. Now it's all middle of the road, whitewashed, lower the temperature kinda crap. We were once peculiar but for a long time now it's all about fitting in as damn Americans and continuing to fill our coffers.
You might have noticed the Conference center was half empty, and, of course, the official line was that due to all the damn construction going on around here, there wouldn't be enough parking. If you were at the Apostles and First Presidency weekly meetings in the SLC temple before Conference, you might have heard another reason. Nobody wants to admit this, but we are losing members of the church hand over fist, and the pandemic has just made it worse. If I recall, 1918–19 and the Spanish Flu pandemic was just about the same. If they weren't dying, they weren’t coming. Who wants to go to Conference anymore? I don’t even wanna go and I have to!
One last thing about Conference: I know it ain’t Elder Marcos Aidukatis’s fault, but hell-fire, please! Do you know what I hate the most is the almost 200-year lie we get to hear every Conference, whether local, regional, or worldwide? God has preserved this generation for the most important time, god-damn ever!!! Ain’t people smart enough to see we’ve been saying that horse-shit since the beginning? How many church leaders and patriarchal blessings have said Jesus will return in their lifetimes? And yet they continue to die, and Jesus ain’t nowhere to be seen? I ain’t the smartest tool in the shed, but even I know when someone is feeding me bull-crap.
Ezra Taft Benson
After writing last week, I had a question about Ezra Taft Benson, which made me think back to when ol’ Ezra was a much younger man. Now I’m a guessin’ you all know that Ezra started off as a farm boy, which usually means in these parts as someone who’s not easily fooled. But I’m guessing if you’ve risen from farm-boy all the way to the United States of America Secretary of Agriculture, you might consider yourself pretty damn smart. Ain’t not always the case, is it? This stuff with Ezra was QAnon crap before there was a QAnon. It used to be called Communism and the John Birch Society. I’m guessing that some of you are laughing or getting mad by now, but isn't that just too bad? Cum find me if you like, and we can discuss it behind the barn.
I recall a meeting we had as Apostles in the mid-1940s about Ezra and his inability to keep his god-damn mouth shut. President Heber J. Grant eventually sent a letter to the Quorum of the Twelve President, George Albert Smith, suggesting the need to ship Ezra out of Utah and, better still out of the USA as Ezra refused continually to toe the line. Of course, the rest is history as Ezra toured Europe post-WWII to aid all those in need. In doing so, he became a hero! We had the same issue again in 1963 with Ezra ignoring the Prophet David O. McKay regarding the Birch Society. No need for me to go into detail, but as ‘Special Apostle’ for ‘controversial’ issues, I gotta tell you that President Heber and I, as well as President David and I, argued til the god-damn cows came home. I told em over and over that we should have got rid of Ezra. I always knew he’d be nuthin’ but trouble. We should have planned to embarrass him as much as he embarrassed the church. After all, we did it with Apostle Richard Lyman in 1943. Adultery, my horse's ass! But that's for another day.
So until next time, keep yah finger on the trigger!
© Stephen G. Arrowsmith 2022
To see more of my work, please check out the following articles. Please feel free to share, give me a clap, and follow me for up-to-date writings.
