Self-Hatred Is So Damaging
What's The Answer? What Was My Answer?
Do You matter? I spent many years thinking that was not the case for me. So much so that I could not get off the downward escalator where the basement floor was suicide. I am writing a memoir discussing that period of my life in much more detail. However, as you can see, I made it. Many of you will also have made it. Sadly, some did not.
So why write this short article? You, like me, no doubt have reminders now and again of those pitch black days and nights. But, for me, not so often anymore. A long and challenging journey making changes and choices along the way has taken me to a beautiful spot. But, occasionally, a sudden reminder can attempt to knock you off the path you are on. Usually, when you least expect it, a challenge and your reaction to that challenge can bring back that 'going under experience.' As a non-swimmer, drowning is the way I feel on those days. Has it a name? What's the cause? How do I cope now?
Self-Hatred
Self-hatred is so damaging. In my case, the myth of perfection fed this inner turmoil. And the result is always the same, the sense of drowning. I was going under and not being able to recover. This process creates doubt; self-doubt. Self-doubt in such adverse and dangerous circumstances then makes self-hatred. Self-hatred is unbelievably damaging.
What Is The Answer?
In my case, I learned three life-saving ideas. I want to say I understood immediately, but that's not what happened. Many, many years and many ups and downs until such a time when life became a joy. My friend, Nancy Stoddard from Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me many hours over the years to share her expertise. I am sure the journey would not have ended the way it did without her.
1 — My Signs and Symptoms.
2 — My Understanding of Causes and Triggers.
3 — My Coping Skills.
My Signs and Symptoms
For me, my main signs were twofold. One was significant black-and-white thinking. And the other, confusing feelings as facts. In other words, when I made a mistake, all I saw was ruination; therefore, I was a failure. I believed the way I felt and what I thought were based on facts. Feelings and facts are not necessarily the same things.
My Causes and Triggers
As a child, I always had a critical inner voice. This critical monster followed me around throughout adulthood until I dismissed it from the stage of my mind a long time ago. The monster rarely rears its ugly head except in anxiety situations when sudden and brief childhood experiences are recalled instantly. How often? Once in a blue moon, as they say, these days. What are the causes of such inner criticism? My story is no different from many others. Bullying as a disabled child. Hyper criticism from those who should love you as a child. Traumatic events include sexual, emotional, mental, and physical child abuse. Followed by the trauma of grooming and teenage rape from adult work managers. What is the primary outcome of such experiences? Most children and teens ask themselves constantly, why me? Why me? This leads to; it must be my fault. And begins the hyper-critical inner voice known as self-hatred.
Self-hatred results in guilt and shame. Guilt and shame result in feeling not good enough. What happens when this belief takes over your life? In my case, I stopped doing anything because it would only fail, right? I stopped eating. At one stage, in much more severe days long gone, I lost 52lbs in 42 days. Not recommended. I self-isolated because who would want to be with me anyway, right? I finally became disconnected from the world at large. Again, not recommended. Although those dark days are long gone, I must remind myself that if I give in to the triggers and causes, the road may reopen. It scares me. It horrifies me, if I'm honest. A friend once told me that you should never walk by the edge of the cliff as there is always a possibility you may fall. My path has been nowhere near the cliff for a long time. I stay as far away as possible. I like where I am. I have no plans to fall anywhere.
My Coping Skills
I talk back to the voice. I ask questions of myself. A graduate student in American Fork, Utah, over twenty years ago asked me if what I was thinking was real. Would it happen like I thought? or was there another result? If your child says they hate you in a heated moment, do they? Or were the words from a child who is having a hard time expressing their frustration? If you, as an adult, respond unkindly to another in a stressful situation, does it mean they will hate you forever? Or, more likely, are they understanding and forgiving? I think you get my drift.
I stand up to my bullying inner voice of self-hatred. I have always hated bullies.
I changed my peer group. In doing so, I changed the atmosphere I lived and worked. I have continued to hone that change throughout the years to a much safer and more loving place.
And, of course, as I mentioned, I saw a therapist. I could write a book on that process. If the world was a swimming pool and I was drowning, going under, as I mentioned previously, then Nancy Stoddard was the lifeguard. Not in a Pamela Anderson teensy tight red swimsuit on the beach kind of lifeguard, but for me, Nancy Stoddard was the real deal, not a fake lifeguard like Pam.
I continue to self-care. Taking care of your mental and physical condition is paramount. More exercise, more sleep, and a good healthy diet are vital. Spending time in the outdoors is most uplifting. Lastly, not automatically responding to social media and your 'phone' is a good habit. After all, who controls who?
Two Essentials Thoughts
1 — You are NOT the only person with this struggle. It feels like it, I know, but you are not alone. I am fortunate to have good people, family, and friends around me today. I am lucky to have a loving and caring wife I trust. And trust is the key to sharing. Sharing is the key to survival. If you are not so fortunate to have people around you or feel isolated and disconnected, please call and talk to someone who wants to help you.
2 — In the USA, 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (http://988lifeline.org/) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress
2 — In the UK, the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK can be reached on 0800 689 5652.
© Stephen G. Arrowsmith 2022
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