Which God Is Real?
I’m Betting You Say Yours? Right?
I love my new church, my new faith, and my new religion. It’s one of a kind. This is the only church God wanted to be installed on the earth before He came again. I can not believe I am so lucky to be so involved. You may have heard about it. It’s really easy to join. I promise. I was baptized by hand immersion, which was so much easier. Then the exciting part where I was given the gift of the Holy Ghost by hand sanitizing. So awesome, easy, and clean. One day soon, I hope to be given the highest knowledge necessary to enter Heaven by steam sauna at extreme temperatures. That way, I can be totally cleansed of evil bacteria internally and externally. Although I heard to cleanse internally fully, there is a sacred holy clear drink that God uses to ensure total cleanliness of the sacred bowels. I believe there is a special place to be when that happens!
This is the part I’m nervous about because I am not the most social person. But my God, who truly is the only God that counts, wants me to tell the world how their gods are deceiving them. This makes me nervous because although I know these good people have been led astray by make-believe ideas and fantasies, it is still not easy to point out just how gullible they are. But I am going to give it my best shot. My God will make sure all my favorite girlfriends and cartoon characters are waiting for me in heaven just in case some other people wrongly assume that I am a heretic and kill me. That’s one way you can tell their God is evil because he condones killing and bombing people. My God only does that if my special sacred land is threatened; otherwise, He is very kind. You can tell my God is so special and real because he blesses our military to kill our enemies while at the same protecting our soldiers from the enemy. Come on; you must admit it is cool to have a real God. I know it’s dumb, but He also ensures my basketball and football teams win—what an awesome God. My God even made sure the correct man was chosen as President. That's easy to understand because God and the Prez are so close.
So many people throughout history have been led astray. So here we go. Let’s start with Ogun and Osun from West Africa and Xuba from Southern Africa. It gets complicated for me once I look at Egypt because there is/were 1,400 Gods. Min (fertility god), Neith (creator goddess), Anubis, Atum, Bes, Horus, Isis, Ra, Meretseger, Nut Nut, Osiris, Shu, Sia, and Thoth. Then our friends, the Canaanites, worshiped El, who ruled alongside his consort Asherah and their seventy sons. The people of Israel and Judah originally believed in these deities alongside their own God, Yahweh. El later became mixed with Yahweh, who took over El’s role as the head of the pantheon with Asherah as his divine consort and the “sons of El” as his offspring. The “sons of El” were eventually demoted from deities to angels. Phew, this isn't very clear. I’m confused. The most important deities in the Greek pantheon were Zeus, Hera, Poseidon, Athena, Apollo, Artemis, Aphrodite, Hermes, Demeter, Dionysus, Hephaestus, and Ares. Other critical Greek deities included Hestia, Hades, and Heracles. Of course, don’t forget the famed Nordic deities such as Thor, Odin, and Freyr. Then even a Greek/Roman mixed bag of six gods and six goddesses: Venus, Apollo, Mars, Diana, Minerva, Ceres, Vulcan, Juno, Mercury, Vesta, Neptune, Jupiter (Jove, Zeus); as well Bacchus, Pluto, and Hercules.
Okay, that's enough. I could be all day. I am sure my God will still bless me. There are so many other parts of the world still to point out, but let's just say ALL gods except mine are evil and fake. Do you know how I know for sure my God is the real one? Because His name is Brian! He even had a movie made about Him. My God said aloud, well, so I'm told that the only true God on the earth is called Brian. So it’s easy to know we just have to find a God called Brian, and hey presto, we have a God. So which God is real? Yes, you learn fast; it’s Brian. You see, there is only ONE real God, and we need to do exactly as He says otherwise, no girlfriends or cartoon characters. Well, as long as I don’t have to drink the sacred drink again. I spent way too long in the sacred ceramic room!
Many years ago, I met a man who really was a pain in my ass. He thought he was all clever and a bag of chips. He pointed out, like me, that all these other Gods were fake. I agreed with him. Then he got smart. He told me he was an atheist. I asked him what that was. He said an atheist was someone who believed in one less god than I did. I never spoke with him again. I’m sure my God will not bless the man in any way. After all, he doesn’t deserve it, right?
© Stephen G. Arrowsmith 2021
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